Rejection

I recently spoke to a group of teens on rejection. Although this isn’t my actually teaching, it is my presentation. I just thought I’d throw it on here. I talked about what rejection does to us, how it influenced me as I was growing up and how CHANGING my relationship with where I look for love and acceptance changed how I experienced and responded to rejection.

Lastly, I talked about how we can sometimes focus on what appears to be missing rather than the abundance we are given. I went on this crazy back and forth, across-the-globe adventure in August and September. While being single can be hard, and I can choose to focus on how it seems like God isn’t showing up in that space, I wouldn’t have been able to go to all those amazing places and do all those amazing things if I was married with kids.

And here is where I realized: God isn’t saying NO and He isn’t absent; He’s just saying, “Not yet.” God isn’t rejecting me, He’s preparing me. God isn’t telling me I’m not enough, He’s giving me more than I could fathom. God isn’t holding out on me, He’s lifting me up. He’s reaching down and pulling me out of the water. He isn’t saying he doesn’t trust me, He’s asking for me to trust Him.

I gave an example of focusing on lack rather than abundance by talking about how I thought I was SACRIFICING by taking the role I’m in now; that I would have to give up on adventure and travel because of the change in my pay. But God doesn’t operate the way we do and he doesn’t respond in the ways we would think to. Which is why I somehow went to more countries in ONE MONTH than most people do in their LIFETIMES. God gave me abundance where I expected lack and poverty; rejection could have obscured my vision and prevented me from recognizing this. It’s only because I seek love and acceptance from the right places that this lie didn’t take root in me.

https://www.emaze.com/@AORTOZFFL/rejection

Advertisements

Dating

I heard a guy ask recently why so many Christian girls don’t date or marry Christian guys. And I can tell you why: they’re not asking. At least, not most of them. And many that are, ask based on looks rather than compatibility, so they get shot down because women are discerning creatures and then those bros stop asking.

There’s a whole lot of amazing women spending a ton of time dropping hints, expressing interest, and investing in men that never make a move. And so finally, they begin to say yes to men who 1. See how amazing these women are and 2. Are bold enough to ask them out. And they tend to not be Christian.

There’s this weird trend I notice in a large percentage of Christian men and women. Some of the best married couples I know break these molds. Yet generally, guys (who as we all know are driven by the eyes more than the heart scientifically speaking) seem to think that God is going to hand them a woman much younger and more attractive than they are, and also with the purity of Mary. And women think that if they just sit and wait, these boys that lack cajones will suddenly be transformed into bold men, leaders of families, who are capable of pursuing not just in the beginning, but throughout the marriage.

And what that leaves us with is a whole lot of people not dating, not getting married, and not establishing Christian families. Awesome. Then I’ve got Christian men in my life telling me I need to do more to catch a guys attention. I should try harder, give more. And while I’ve loved living a lifetime full of men telling me how I’m not quite enough, I’m done. I’m truly done. Because I am enough, more than enough. And I’m confident that whoever I end up with will know a great many blessings because he chose me for a wife. (Side-note: rather than encourage women to be aggressive and make them feel unchosen, maybe just encourage your male friends to ask ladies out more; it’s just a date).

I’m a dope conversationalist and I’m hilarious. I’m considerate and when I’m with you, I’m present as heck. You don’t have to worry about my phone being more important than you. I’m more focused on our compatibility than the brand you wear or the gear you own. I know how to respect and honor a man and I know how to love WELL. Hospitality and generosity are gifts of mine, and I’m slow to anger and quick to forgive. It’s clear pretty quickly that relationships with the people I love rank just below God in my life. I have a wealth of patience and I love kids. I’m as happy outdoors as I am at a party, in the city, at a concert or out on a farm. I’m easygoing and laidback but I love diving deep into conversations. I’ve got great taste in music (IMO) and I can cook pretty well (I love hosting dinners for friends). In other words, if you spend a little time getting to know me, I think you’ll know my worth. And I think I am enough. But not for the average Christian guy.

And so, even though everyone says it’s a terrible idea, and even though I know that there will be issues down the road if our faiths don’t align, I begin to consider the non-Christian. Not because I want to, but because it appears as if I have no other choice. The only ones that seem to see my worth are men who may not know God, but see His light shine in me. And I pray a lot; I pray so much over this because my deepest desire is to have a family that honors God and that disciples young people so that they, too, can have a family that honors God. But even though I believe this desire was given to me by God, both parties have to opt into it. And the guys just aren’t there. So I begin to ask myself the same question so many others around me ask themselves: do I keep waiting?

He Gives Me His Best

In the story of the prodigal son, I’ve always only identified with the disobedient son who goes off and makes all the mistakes. Somehow, I forgot how the Father responds to this son. Upon the sons repentant return, his Father gives him his best. He throws him a party. And this reveals to the returned son not only the depth of his Fathers love, but also the humility it takes to receive such a love. This is, I believe, how God is responding to my return to him. I just couldn’t see it for a while. I’m still processing through all the amazing experiences God is teaching me through but I think I’ve figured this much out:

1. The more I trust God, the more stunning and joyful my life becomes. It doesn’t mean difficult things don’t happen, but the way I feel and respond to them does. And it’s kind of the best thing ever. Instead of woe is me, I ask myself how is God using this for good?

2. God has crazier, better things in mind for me than I could ever come up with on my own. When I took this new job, so much of my vision was full of the sacrifice I was making versus the opportunities God was creating. I thought I’d lose adventure and travel. Yet somehow I’ve got the most amazing job ever which I look forward to everyday and I’ve had more new experiences in these past 8 months than I usually have in years.

3. God is revealing how this season of singleness has been the best thing He could have done for me. I’ve had time to heal from the past and build better, healthier habits. I’ve learned to put God first rather than making my partner my idol. I’ve been placed amongst men who are protectors rather than predators. I’ve learned how to trust and what I find attractive has drastically changed. I have a blast with kids and have gotten to a place where I know I want a family someday but I can also appreciate what Gods doing here, now. I feel confident that the total transformation of my life these past couple years would not have been possible if I hadn’t had the freedom to fully run after where God was taking me.

4. God’s teaching me how to do relationships, and it’s not weird. Surrendering control and being truly vulnerable is one of the most powerful things I can do. The more I let go and have God lead rather than me, the more I discover about his heart for me. A family that welcomes me to their home and their table. An adventure in Old Jerusalem. Officiating a sunset marriage at an outdoor synagogue in Israel. The blessings of a tearful old woman. The amazing testimony of a Believer facing stage 4 cancer. The company of a friend who balances depth of conversation with silliness and hearty laughter. A roommate and friend who serves as a rock and comforter in difficult times. A closeness and affection with my family (and particularly my sister) that few people possess. And through all these relationships I learn not just what God wants for me, but from me: I continue to become a better friend, sister, daughter and (someday?) wife.

5. God wants my authenticity. He designed me with purpose and delights in who I am. I’ve spent much of my lifetime trying to be what others wanted me to be rather than who God designed me to be. That’s ridiculous. Putting others first doesn’t mean I compromise on who I am; it means I give them the best of myself. Learning the difference between this has been a powerful catalyst for building healthy relationships that leave me feeling known rather than isolated.

Israel, 4 am

The journey was over 24 hours to get here but I managed to steal a few hours of sleep from a couple flights. I was positive I would sleep soundly tonight, yet 4 hours later I’m wide awake and I don’t need to rise until seven. Perhaps some journaling and a sunrise with God is in order (and maybe some coffee too).

I heard children using “Abba” with their fathers today and it brought a whole new context to the word for me. This term, which Jesus used to refer to our Father, is similar to “Daddy.” But today I heard it used by small children, often accompanied by reaching arms and grasping hands. “Abba, Abba!!” they cry, unabashedly asking to be held, or comforted, or protected. Striking out fearlessly, one little one became startled and ran with arms open back to her Abba. It makes me reflect on Jesus’ choice of words and the posture of children with their Abba. Is that how I would describe my relationship with God?

A Vivid Dream

I was at an alt grunge EDM concert, but they were also performing the third part of The Pelleas Trilogy. I was there with my sister and a few friends I’ve made at church (I remember thinking it was not my usual concert going crowd).

I wandered around, immersing myself in the show as I drank from my flask. I’m talking to new people and I start smoking again (and in the dream, I got the sense that this wasn’t unusual for me because it was a concert).

I spot my friends and head towards them. They scrunch to make room for me on this hill and next to them is a guy I haven’t seen since high school. We talk real life, the nitty and gritty, about our struggle and how different things looked from how we imagined. Towards the end he said, “You’ve changed a lot too. You really believe all that holy crap?” I smile at him and lean against a wall. “I went through some dark times, Cass. I found Someone who brought me out. So that’s where I put my faith. Can you blame me?” And he mumbled no, that he wished he had that.

Apparently the concert ended and the sun is starting to rise. My flask is empty and all my friends are gone. We walk to his car and he starts driving me around looking for mine. I keep reassuring him, comforting him because he seems distressed. We finally make it to my car and he said “You’re unbelievable, you know that? You never realize the effect you have on people.” And he’s upset with me, about how oblivious I am. I want to calm him down so I tell him I had really liked him in high school. I asked him if he remembered the art trip and he laughed. All the tension left his body and he replied softly, “Yeah, I remember. And I liked you too.”

Somehow we seemed a bit entangled, so I carefully extracted myself from him and exited the car. I waved as I got to mine but he was already driving off.

My Surrender

Once a heart of stone now flesh

A gift bestowed on one You adore.

My emotions stir afresh

Into my heart Your love does pour.

 

For I know so well this darkness

That I give thanks for that which is Light.

Once trapped in a pit of hopelessness

I now soar to an unfathomed height.

 

It is here I kneel and surrender

where there is no pride or shame

my sin You bore on the cross

and my just punishment you claim.

 

Such love is wonder beyond wonder

such truth I cannot grasp

Your grace I can but ponder

your every mercy makes me gasp.

 

There are no words or songs

Of thanks for the freedom I now know

from the sin and from the wrongs

under whose weight I once bowed.

 

I nearly knelt before my enemy

Who accused and declared blame

But now I choose my own King

Whose sovereignty I proclaim.

 

For my name is written on His hands

and His on the tablet of my heart

and from one another

ne’er shall we part.

A Reflection on Suffering

Stephen Mitchell sees surrender rather than submission in Job after he has endured his trials by the Accuser as well as the confrontation with the Unnameable; “Surrender…means the wholehearted giving-up of oneself. It is both the ultimate generosity and the ultimate poverty, because in it the giver becomes the gift.” (Mitchell xxvii) This is the kind of man Mitchell sees when he reads Job’s words at the end, “I have spoken of the unspeakable and tried to grasp the infinite. Listen and I will speak; I will question you: please, instruct me. I have heard you with my ears; but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I will be quiet, comforted that I am dust.” (Mitchell 88) Mitchell identifies in this a great humility rather than self-abasement.

 

Meanwhile Victor Frankl writes of his personal trial, which echoes Job’s, in the concentration camps. Frankl writes, ‘Dostoevski said once, “There is only one thing that I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.’ These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost.” (Frankl) To Frankl it is not an act of surrender but rather an act of heroism, maintaining a spiritual freedom and independence of mind even in the most dire of circumstances. The possibility that one might not only withstand such suffering but to do so and still retain their compassion and dignity would seem impossible to believe, if in fact it had not been witnessed.

 

Mitchell writes of the dialogue between Job and God that “In order to approach god, Job has to let go of all ideas about God: he must put a cloud of unknowing…between himself and God, of have the Voice do this for him.” (Mitchell xix) For Mitchell, this embrace of the unknowing is the critical connection for Job to approach God, yet for Frankl I see love as the very thing which he believes tethers us to the divine; that gives us a glimpse of our salvation. He writes, “A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets…The truth — that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.” (Frankl)

 

It is this extraordinary gift of love that allows us to bear the unthinkable and endure the unimaginable in a such a way that dignity can be retained. As the world presses its brokenness in on us we can choose to answer with a love that was defined by Mitchell earlier, as a giver of a gift that is our very selves. “We who lived  in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” (Frankl) This, too, we see in Job through Mitchell’s perspective. Confronted with the reality of God and the great suffering he has endured, Job chooses to change his attitude from a lament that he was ever born into praise for an awesome God whose very character is beyond fully knowing for us.

Works Cited

Frankl, Viktor. Man’s Search for Meaning. New York: Washington Square Press, 1963. Electronic Excerpt.

Mitchell, Stephen. The Book of Job. United States: Harper Collins Publishers, 1987.