A Vivid Dream

I was at an alt grunge EDM concert, but they were also performing the third part of The Pelleas Trilogy. I was there with my sister and a few friends I’ve made at church (I remember thinking it was not my usual concert going crowd).

I wandered around, immersing myself in the show as I drank from my flask. I’m talking to new people and I start smoking again (and in the dream, I got the sense that this wasn’t unusual for me because it was a concert).

I spot my friends and head towards them. They scrunch to make room for me on this hill and next to them is a guy I haven’t seen since high school. We talk real life, the nitty and gritty, about our struggle and how different things looked from how we imagined. Towards the end he said, “You’ve changed a lot too. You really believe all that holy crap?” I smile at him and lean against a wall. “I went through some dark times, Cass. I found Someone who brought me out. So that’s where I put my faith. Can you blame me?” And he mumbled no, that he wished he had that.

Apparently the concert ended and the sun is starting to rise. My flask is empty and all my friends are gone. We walk to his car and he starts driving me around looking for mine. I keep reassuring him, comforting him because he seems distressed. We finally make it to my car and he said “You’re unbelievable, you know that? You never realize the effect you have on people.” And he’s upset with me, about how oblivious I am. I want to calm him down so I tell him I had really liked him in high school. I asked him if he remembered the art trip and he laughed. All the tension left his body and he replied softly, “Yeah, I remember. And I liked you too.”

Somehow we seemed a bit entangled, so I carefully extracted myself from him and exited the car. I waved as I got to mine but he was already driving off.

My Surrender

Once a heart of stone now flesh

A gift bestowed on one You adore.

My emotions stir afresh

Into my heart Your love does pour.

 

For I know so well this darkness

That I give thanks for that which is Light.

Once trapped in a pit of hopelessness

I now soar to an unfathomed height.

 

It is here I kneel and surrender

where there is no pride or shame

my sin You bore on the cross

and my just punishment you claim.

 

Such love is wonder beyond wonder

such truth I cannot grasp

Your grace I can but ponder

your every mercy makes me gasp.

 

There are no words or songs

Of thanks for the freedom I now know

from the sin and from the wrongs

under whose weight I once bowed.

 

I nearly knelt before my enemy

Who accused and declared blame

But now I choose my own King

Whose sovereignty I proclaim.

 

For my name is written on His hands

and His on the tablet of my heart

and from one another

ne’er shall we part.

My Man, Father Mike

Father Mike has been dropping wisdom bombs in my life for a while now (via video; we’ve never met). I’m not Catholic but the wisdom he shares cannot be denied.

Loneliness can drive us to make really bad decisions sometimes; we fill our time with distractions, things and people to avoid being alone with ourselves. I think there is a difference between being alone and being lonely; the way we approach each of these can have a tremendous impact on the path we take in life.

Excerpt from Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Some details of a particular man’s inner greatness may have come to one’s mind, like the story of the young woman whose death I witnessed in a concentration camp. It is a simple story. There is little to tell and it may sound as if I had invented it; but to me it seems like a poem.

This young woman knew that she would die in the next few days. But when I talked to her she was cheerful in spite of this knowledge. “I am grateful that fate has hit me so hard,” she told me. “In my former life I was spoiled and did not take spiritual accomplishments seriously.” Pointing through the window of the hut, she said, “This tree here is the only friend I have in my loneliness.” Through that window she could see just one branch of a chestnut tree, and on the branch were two blossoms. “I often talk to this tree,” she said to me. I was startled and didn’t quite know how to take her words. Was she delirious? Did she have occasional hallucinations? Anxiously I asked her if the tree replied. “Yes.” What did it say to her? She answered, “It said to me, ‘I am here — I am here — I am life, eternal life.'” …

More Than “an Animal”

My boyfriend, now ex, broke up with me the day before I closed on my first house. This particular house was a steal because it was a foreclosure: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a full basement and a 2 car garage which sat on a quarter acre lot. Located in a nice neighborhood with playgrounds, basketball courts, a Frisbee golf course and a dog park all within walking distance, I had thought it would be perfect for the two of us and his two children. We had been together for years, looked at houses together and then suddenly I was in this alone. In spite of all my doubt, I went ahead and closed on my house because of the sunk cost and the deal that I was getting. It didn’t make it any easier though; what had once looked like a home that would be filled with a family was now a big empty tomb where my hopes for our future together were laid to rest. Moving in was bittersweet; I was a homeowner with a place all my own but it seemed so EMPTY. It had been a while since I had a dog and I realized in this moment that finally my opportunity arrived. I saw a litter of puppies listed online through a rescue and figured I’d go get one the next day. A dog could be my companion and let me know if I had intruders. It was the answer my broken-heart needed. A puppy was a solution to all my problems (or so I thought).

When I arrived at the shelter the next day to see the litter, I was told all the yellow ones were claimed. I was also told that nobody had been interested in the brown one, and I remember thinking I understood how it felt. I asked to see it and I was soon holding a wiggly, affectionate pile of fur. I was sold, told them I would take him and not long thereafter I left with a puppy that stopped being an “it” and soon became my beloved Moose. This same puppy licked brown paint while it was wet and then licked my pale yellow walls, leaving tiny tongue marks all down the wall. He broke two cages and tried to dig his way through the bathroom to get to me when I would leave for work. He would also have accidents anytime I was out of his sight (out of panic and fear). This lead to me showering our first few months together with him stationed right next to the tub, his head occasionally appearing through the curtains to confirm I hadn’t somehow evaporated into thin air. He caught toads that made him sick over and over again and ate nine cups of food a day as he topped out at 120 pounds (well beyond the estimated 45-55 pounds I was told). At one point my vet advised me to consider getting rid of him due to his extreme behavioral issues but I couldn’t; how could I abandon this neurotic dog when he seemed just as broken as I felt?

And so I love him, deeply. He always sleeps with himself between me and the entrance and keeps himself between me and any new men we meet. He is fiercely protective of any children and always gentle. His greatest joy is being wherever I am, touching me, and it gives me joy too. He is the one I look forward to seeing at the end of the day. He quickly went from being a difficult puppy nobody wanted to my heart walking around on four paws. He has been my constant and steadfast companion, and I have been his. When he’s sick, I’m up with him. When he can’t get up the stairs, I sleep on the couch with my arm hanging off so we’re still touching. When he can’t get into bed and refuses to use the steps, I lift him up. In his old age we have arrived back at where we started in the very beginning. Some might see the amount of work and money I put into caring for an elderly dog and question it. Yet I know that there is no way I could repay him for the love, comfort, protection and healing he has brought to me over the years. I consider it a blessing to be able to care for him well in his old age.

A Recent Encounter with Nature and Humility

This past weekend I organized a trip with some friends to Hocking Hills, which I had never been to before. Ongoing allergies had been causing me some issues with my lungs but I ignored it. I was so excited to get out into nature and away from all the e-mails, calls and texts of daily life. I needed a little time to unwind. Four of us got there Friday night: two friends of mine who recently became engaged and a guy who I really enjoy being around and also has a lot of experience camping. I felt so comfortable as we set-up the tent and hung out around the campfire next to the river. There was this oddly familiar feeling in it, and I remember hoping that maybe someday this would be part of what relationship and community would look like for me.

Later the next morning four more friends arrived (bearing the nectar of God known as coffee) and we set off for a hike. A hike that ended up being over seven miles and the equivalent of 70+ flights of stairs. This hike was a high and a low for me. The views were beautiful, the caves were awe-inspiring. The big trees, clear water and massive stones emerging from the earth continuously dropped my jaw in wonder. But in the meantime, my lungs felt like they were two tightened fists. Not wanting to appear weak, I kept pushing myself and pushing myself until suddenly I could no longer get air into my lungs. I looked up the hill at my friend and I couldn’t produce any words. I notice a couple walking by me on the trail as I stood frozen and attempting to gasp. It was startling: in a peaceful sanctuary of trees I became panicked, while surrounded by trees that produced oxygen my body was steadfastly refusing to let me have any of it. I became acutely aware of how necessary breathe is, how delicious, how longed for. The couple I had watched walk by was suddenly back in front of me and she said something about asthma attacks. “Yes!” This thought pushed through the dominating panic and hunger for air. She put her hands on her head and I imitated her. She told me to breathe in slowly through my mouth and out through my nose. Eventually, I expressed as much thanks as I could. I began to do a little better and my friends, who refused to go ahead of me, went alongside me as we slowly finished the last bit of trail.

I was ravaged not just by this somewhat terrifying experience and my wounded pride, but also the beauty of it all. Those caves had been standing for ages, so many different forms of life crossing it’s cool stone. How tiny I am, how short my life is, compared to these natural titans. My lungs merely failing would end me now and yet the rocks, the forest, seem so enduring. The next day we went canoeing, which involved a lot more water than I anticipated. As we went down the river I paused here and there to drink it all in without the sounds being corrupted by my paddle. It was another beautiful day full of life bursting forth, and we played in the midst of it: we splashed, some of us swung on rope swings, we sat on rocks and sandbars as we talked, drank and snacked. Instead of staring at screens, we participated in the joy that is life being lived all around us. Perhaps I savored it even more because my lungs still hurt and I remembered how fleeting life had felt in those few minutes. I could do little other than marvel at the crazy abundance around me both in creation and in relationships with people I appreciate.

John Gordon: Mission (Catalyst Notes)

John Gordon is an American author and speaker on the topics of leadership, culture, sales, and teamwork. His focus was mission. He said that mission starts with leadership. He gave us 7 C’s that can help leaders in ministries to be successful and effective.

  1. Culture. Many companies have a mission, but how many of their people are ON mission? How many places operate as one team, with one plan and goal? Once you know what you stand for it becomes much easier for everyone to make decisions.
  2. Contagious. Leadership is a transfer of belief. Positive leaders, regardless of circumstances or outcomes, point everyone towards the future. Be aware: one person can’t make a team, but one person can break it (example: energy vampires). If someone is complaining, they should also be bringing a solution to the table. If you are complaining, you aren’t leading.
  3. Communicate. If you are too busy to communicate with your team, you can’t lead. Communication is key.
  4. Connections. Connections build commitment. A team will always beat talent when talent isn’t acting like a team. Be sure to share defining moments in your life.
  5. Commitment. He told this story of a man complaining about giving his wife a shoulder massage after she’d had a tough day. His friend told him, ‘If you don’t give her a massage, someone else will.’ It’s the same with our team. Most of the time, we don’t need a different team, we need to be better leaders. He said that he realized he didn’t want to be a big household name, he wanted to be big in his household.
  6. Care. Great leaders care more. This includes both love and accountability, the two things that help build a great team. Accountability is an act of caring because it doesn’t let others settle or demotivate the team.
  7. Consistent. Nothing happens if we aren’t consistent. Share your telescope with the team, let them see the North Star. Also share your microscope with them when you see critical activities being done well. It all starts on the inside, in the locker room.