A Prayer (1)

Adonai, I hear Your praise

in the rumbles of the thunder

in the warbles of the songbird

in the dancing of the leaves.

 

Elohim, I feel your presence

in the warmth of the sunlight

through the softness of your grass

by the washing of your waves.

 

Lord, I hear your cry

in the plea of the hungry

Through the weeping of the lonely

By the lament of the mourning.

 

O God, I know communion

through palms pressed together

By the lifting up of voices

in the sharing of oneself.

 

And to You goes my worship;

to You, Lord, goes my praise.

To You, Abba, I cry out;

to you I give all my days.

 

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Emmanuel,God with Us

What kind of God are you

that would be the Creator of all that is, ever was, will ever be,

with power unknown and depths unsearchable,

yet you would walk amongst us?

You, who would call us ‘very good’

and give us authority over your creation?

What kind of King dies for the least deserving and most wretched?

Who suffers for the sake of those that inflict the suffering?

 

Your mercy and grace are unfathomable.

Darkness yields to your Light.

Deceit and Lies are dust in the Wind of your Truth.

Hatred crumbles when pressed by your Love.

All the universe will kneel at your name.

And I am betrothed to You.

I am Your beloved and you pursue me with relentless patience.

You are my God, my Sustainer and Helper, my Stronghold and Salvation.

My Hope and my Redeemer.

I give thanks that You would know me and love me with an everlasting love.

 

I Dreamt of Answered Prayers

I dreamt of you, the one I don’t know yet. I heard the sound of our laughter ringing like bells, echoing across time. We were oriented toward one another and I sensed your hand before it settled on my neck or played with my hair. We were surrounded by people we loved, but as we spoke with them our fingers would seek the others and our bodies gravitated towards one another until we touched. I knew you by the feeling of comfort you gave me, by the love you had for me that wrapped around me like a wooly cocoon. And in my heart I was reminded that I was living a life of answered prayers.

Reflection on Helen Keller (from October 19th)

I believe that life is given us so we may grow in love, and I believe that God is in me as the sun is in the color and fragrance of a flower-the Light in my darkness, the Voice in my silence. -Helen Keller –

Abba, there are times when I grow weary

Of seeking to understand and feeling misunderstood

Of loving without being loved

Of knowing without being known.

But I push ever forward God

Because I know of no other response

That would honor your love, your mercy,

When I am fully known only by you.

Help me, Abba, help me.

I don’t know for what I plea

But you do, and so I ask

Help me, Abba, show me.

I am but a child, wholly ignorant,

I give you my heart, my life

To do with as you wish

For nothing and no one is so good as you.

Reflections from a Waterfall

From August 18th, 2017

Look, see how calm and still the waters are? Yet right on the other side of that is a rushing waterfall. God, what is the significance of that?

And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate (solitary) place, and there he prayed. Mark 1:35

Abba, what do you have to say to me?

Peace, like a palm pressed firmly against your chest.

Every creation, every life, is Mine, created by Me, with intention. Have I put any less thought into you, child of Mine? Trust me. Trust in my timing. For different works require different efforts. How long must water flow to cut paths through the earth and shape the land? How patient must the seed of a tree be to reach maturity? Is it any different with you? And how much more am I invested in the work I do in you than the water or the tree? Be confident in My love for you. 

Vulnerability

I went on a camping trip with some friends a couple weeks ago, which I wrote about at that time. I wanted to dive a little deeper into part of that trip; to be vulnerable regarding what I experienced in that moment now that I have processed it more fully.

A few days leading up to the trip God was REALLY driving home being vulnerable and I was feeling so frustrated because I felt like I had grown a lot in that space. For a little background, I’d also been having some lung problems because of my allergies for about a month. All this happened leading up to me on a hike in Hocking hills. We were going to do a 3 mile loop but some of my friends wanted to add another loop (ultimately around 7 miles). I tried to dissuade them but I didn’t want to look weak in front of people I really admired so ahead I plowed, not mentioning to them that it already hurt to breathe. My lungs felt like fists clenching tighter and tighter, and this continued for maybe two hours. I got to the point where I’d lean my body forward and force my legs to respond by catching me. I continue to try to act like everything is okay. Mask the pain. I told myself, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Then, suddenly, no more air. I see my friend beckoning to me and I can’t speak. I gasp and still, no air. A young couple passes me by and I make eye contact with the woman and wonder if she can see my panic.

This is the first time during the entire hike I actually begin to pray. It’s suddenly so quiet. I look up in awe at the tall trees surrounding me and I see spots of light dancing around me and I ask God, “Is this really my time? Will I really die from lack of oxygen surrounded by the very things you created that make oxygen? My God, where is your breathe of life now? I don’t have it. Help me, Abba. I need you.” Tears swell in my eyes and I’m torn between my plea to God and my desire, still, to hide my struggle so that my friends don’t see my weakness.

Suddenly, there is a woman in front of me, the one who had walked by before. She says something about also getting asthma attacks and my brain responds, “Yes! Asthma attack! I’m not dying.” I imitate what she does, following her instructions and slowly, deliciously, air begins to fill my lungs. And as I breathed in I felt not judgment but love from God, paired with what could maybe be described as a mildly disapproving sigh.

After a short rest and a very slow final climb, we made it to the parking lot. As I reached the car all I wanted to do was cry. To break down. To acknowledge the moment and all that came with it. But I locked it down, pulled it together. I laughed and ate Mexican, occasionally wondering if my friends now saw me differently because of this experience and if they would like me less because of it.

As I prayed about it later I felt how silly God thought it was that I would rather LITERALLY run out of air than tell my friends my lungs hurt. That we had talked about this and because I put my fear of rejection ahead of God’s call to be vulnerable with my community, I had to suffer and he had to send someone to teach me how to breath. Later I was talking to someone and they remarked at how lucky I was; that they had known of several people who had died from these kinds of attacks. That they were dangerous and should be taken seriously. It was at that moment I remembered a text someone had sent me at the end of May describing a picture they’d received for me:

…a picture of you rowing a boat with these really wide oars that were like fish fins so you had to do a lot of work to row but when you did you went far. He felt the Lord was saying you were in a season for the next eight weeks of heavy work but it would propel you far. Then on the oars he saw 1) 2) and 3), like there are three areas of focus and a small 4), like maybe you could do a little in 4) but 1.2.3 were the focus. The words behind those were self, health and safety…

I realized how much I had endangered my safety with my unwillingness to be vulnerable. After the trip I went and got allergy medicine and an inhaler and it was amazing the difference this made to my health and even my attitude! And so a big area that God has impacted through this is my health and safety, in learning to listen to my body better and to take care of it. But the third that came with it is my ongoing struggle with rejection.

I shared this struggle with my small group as well as with my co-workers, a moment of sharing my current “mess” that felt both exhausting and encouraging. I have known for a while that my greatest desire is to feel known, and not just known but to still be loved when I am known. This is also the thing I most fear, and the thing God has been working with me to overcome these last few months. Because of my background (particularly with my two longest running relationships), I have this undercurrent in my heart that whispers, “If they really know you, they won’t love you. People don’t stay for people like you.”

I know this probably sounds like a super depressing place to be but it isn’t, it’s just hard. I can continually remind myself that I am already known and loved by a King who adores me, and that if I remain authentic to my God and myself, then the rejection or acceptance by others will not influence the love I have for myself. And so, I am in this eight week season of working on the self, health and safety. Self, that I would become even more free of rejection and the ways that it influences me, making me an emotionally healthier person and leader. Health, in that I am learning to listen and respond to my body and what it is telling me. And safety, not that I would begin operating out of fear but rather that I would truly appreciate how fragile life is and what a blessing it is to be able to experience the moments I do. Lastly, within all these things I need to seek God and listen rather than believe that I can do this on my own.

Wilfredo Choco De Jesús: Paying the Cost of Reconciliation (Catalyst Notes)

Wilfredo Choco De Jesús was one of Time’s 100 most influential people in 2013. The senior pastor at New Life Covenant Ministries in Chicago, he is a man not only of the Word but of action. He started his talk with Luke 19:10: “For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” This, he said, is why Jesus came. This is what we are called to: to seek and to save the lost.

How do we lead in a drifting culture dominated by fear? First, we must realize that nobody drifts towards holiness. Holiness is intentional. Therefore, a Church that offers transformation in a drifting world must be an engaged, purposeful, responsive Church. Prayer is not a crutch. It is the start of something, not the end of it. Revelation calls for a response. Understanding can wait, obedience to the revelation of God cannot. “When my Father says do something, I do it.”

Remember: God uses unusual people to do extraordinary things. It’s all over the Bible. Wilfredo De Jesús, also known as Pastor Choco, felt called to buy a farm and amazing things took place to make it happen through all sorts of crazy turns. That farm has, to date, rescued 625 girls and women from prostitution. There is a cost to reconciliation, but we, the Church, should be happy to pay it. He told a story of buying five prostitutes for one hour. They brought them to a place where they laid out a beautiful banquet. They spoke truth over them, that they weren’t born a prostitute and they were loved. Those women walked away from their path and, through the sacrifice and support of the church, ended up becoming leaders in the church. It’s just like in the parable of the lost sheep: the sheep is not rebuked for being lost, it is celebrated for being found.

Or the prodigal son. The son who basically told his father, “I don’t care about your status, I wish you were dead.” He demanded an inheritance he wasn’t even owed and his father gave it to him, sacrificing his status for him. Then that son leaves and squanders it all. Eventually he came to his senses and returns humbled. What does the dad do? He RUNS to the boy. Men didn’t run in the first century; children and women ran. But again, the father disregards status and runs to the son. He embraces and covers the boy, showing that his protection is over him. He gives him jewelry which is a symbol that tells the son and others that he has complete authority to negotiate on behalf of the father with the assets of the family. That’s some crazy sacrificial love.

Why is the older brother upset? Well, this was all at a cost to him, in his mind. The inheritance was rightfully his, and already the father had allowed his younger brother to squander half of it. Now, he was paying for this celebration as well as giving the prodigal son his status back. You see, someone always pays the cost of reconciliation. There’s a cost to bringing others to the table, to gather those that Christ calls us to. The question is, what are you willing to pay so others can be reconciled to God? Are you willing to stand in the gap?