A Reflection on “Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley (Part Four)

I’m clearly getting a lot from this since we are in Part 4. I encourage anyone reading this to start at the beginning with Part 1.

Chapter 5 is called ‘Love Is,’ but I think the best way to describe this chapter would be, ‘Love Does.’ When you think about all the Disney stories, fairy tales and (again) romantic comedies that are ever so popular, the understanding is (whether stated or not) that everyone lives happily ever after. Those who scoff might be called realists, or skeptics, perhaps even cynics. But one thing that is abundant in life is trials and tribulations: generally only children believe that happily ever after happens in this life. Paul wrote on love in I Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” In order to be a man (or an adult), you must put away your childish understanding of what and how to love.

“Think about it. Aren’t you amazed at how immature adults can be when it comes to love and relationships? Immature, as in childish. Childlike. Why is that? When it comes to their relationships with women, why do grown men revert to acting like teenaged boys? And why do grown women play along? …We all know that approach to romance never ends well. So why is it repeated so often?” (74)

But if that doesn’t work, what does? How do we love as mature adults? If we seek the answer within the bible, Paul provides the context of love as a verb. And verbs, being actions, naturally have effects. In other words, “When both people are willing to do a little causing, both experience a little effecting. Perhaps affection would be a better word. When two people choose to put the other first, powerful things transpire.” (76) What exactly are those verbs? Check out I Corinthians 13:4-8. This, in essence, ought to be our “Become List.” Find someone that has mastered these or is at minimum actively working at them on their “Become List.” Why? Because impatient people don’t suddenly become patient when they fall in love; it is a skill that is built over time. But on to the list.

  1. Patient: Rather than a means to an end, “Patience is the decision to move at someone else’s pace rather than pressure him or her to match yours.” (78) Counter to idea that life is about getting ahead and being first, this calls us to match pace. “It is a decision to pause rather than push.” (78) Impatience, on the other hand, is an emotional response that you feel. So patience is a choice, impatience is a feeling. What effect do they have? Patience, unnaturally shifting your pace to that of another, isn’t natural but it is an act of submission, of putting another first. It is an expression of love. Meanwhile, being impatiently pushed by someone you love can cause you to feel less loved (because they aren’t showing love).
  2. Kind: I am a BIG fan of kindness. Kindness is at the top of my list for desirable traits in a man. Super attractive. Kindness isn’t soft or weak: “To be kind is to leverage one’s strength on behalf of another. When we’re kind, we put our strength, abilities, and resources on loan to someone who lacks them… Kindness is love’s response to weakness.” (80) It is a choice and in it’s highest form, it is unconditional. Andy Stanley notes that it is likely the most important attribute in any romantic relationship! Conversely, unkindness brings death to romance: consistent acts of unkindness will end any relationship. Like patience, it is not a means to an end. Paying attention to how a person reacts to people either in a difficult situation or to whom they are under no obligation to be kind to will be a strong indicator of how they will end up treating you.
  3.  Doesn’t Envy, Boast, and is not Proud: Manifestations of insecurity, these three are expressed through sarcasm, criticism and public disrespect and they also kill romance. Think of relationships where one person could hardly say a nice or kind thing about the other person. Rather than celebrate the successes and strengths, they celebrate failures and cut their teeth on one another’s weaknesses. Envy is not rooted in the relationship; it’s roots spread deeper and farther than the expanses of any one relationship. Envy establishes it’s roots in a person and influences all relationships; envy is a problem smuggled in. “Is your initial response to celebrate or denigrate? To add or subtract from? Are you comfortable allowing the spotlight to remain on other people? …Envy is next to impossible to see in the mirror. But if you pay attention, you may see it mirrored in your relationships… you’ve got to own it and dethrone it.” (83) How? Celebrate, lift up, encourage. Instead of you telling a better story, you celebrate theirs. Lastly, pride prevents celebration because rather than pouring praise and encouragement, we remain silent.
  4. Doesn’t Dishonor: A rarely used term, some might think that honor is antiquated. “But honor is at the heart of every great relationship. In fact, if you fall in love with someone who has prepared to, and is committed to, honoring you, you are one lucky individual. In some ways, honor is the epicenter of a satisfying relationship.” (84) Picture your most prized possession, the thing you would choose save if there was a fire. How do you treat that possession? How do you care for it? How would you feel if it was mishandled by another person? Your instinct is to protect those things which you value. “Protecting is an expression of honor… Honor defers. Honor yields. Honor gives way… Interesting thing, Paul doesn’t present honor as something to aspire to. He presents it as something we should never deviate from.” (86) Why? Because love is choosing to give honor to another. Honor is, in a way, also an act of submission. Conversely, dishonor is dangerously comfortable. Treated that way long enough, one can begin to believe that is their truth. Resting in the fact that we are all created in the image of God, we must recall that our honor is not reliant on what we have done but on that which we innately are: created and loved by God.
  5. Not Self-Seeking: If love is about putting another before yourself, than it is a necessity that you not put yourself first, and it’s also a great test. “If you give and give and give and the other person takes and takes and takes, then you’ll know to run and run and run. But if you choose not to be self-seeking and your love interest returns the favor, then you’ve made a valuable discovery.” (87-88)
  6. Not Provocative: Modern translations have this as “not easily angered,” but Paul was likely referring to being ‘fired up,’ if you will. It’s having a short fuse, assigning blame. “…you may be tempted to respond, ‘That’s easy for you to say because you don’t know (name of person who stirs you up).’ That’s true. Here’s something equally true. Stir-ees always blame the stir-ers.” (88) This doesn’t change the dynamic though. If you provoke others, you are not acting in a loving manner. If you allow yourself to be provoked, you are equally not responding in a loving way. It is best to seek one who is not easily provoked, and doesn’t thrive on provoking others.
  7. Not a Record Keeper: While they can totally be into vinyl (the sound quality is better, right?), NASB translates this part as “does not take into account a wrong suffered.” We all know people who, in the midst of a disagreement, pull up past sins to be used against the other person. If someone is a record keeper with others, undoubtedly that tendency will eventually turn towards you. This can bring the same reaction out in you as a means of defense with an increasing likelihood to continue responding in the same manner. “The challenge for record keepers is that they are right… The problem isn’t their accuracy. The problem is the damage it does to a relationship.” (91) Why? It doesn’t foster love; forgiveness does. Even if you can’t forget, the best option is to pretend you have until you do. Keeping records is about keeping others down. Love is about lifting others up. This is often justified through the fact that it’s truth, but this kind of truth is best left to friends, counselors, etc. Truth served up by a record keeper will just lead to isolation and pain.
  8. “Love chooses to see the best and believe the best while choosing to overlook the rest.” (94) This summary from Andy Stanley is based on I Corinthians 13:6-7 which says, “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Always. Sound impossible? It is making the choice to always trust that they are putting you first. It is to always hope. And it is choosing to persevere in the face of things which could drive you apart. “Every time your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or friend-friend makes a promise or sets an expectation and doesn’t come through, he or she creates a gap. Whether you realize it or not, you choose what goes in the gap. And there are only two choices: trust or suspicion… when there’s a gap, love does everything possible to protect the integrity of the relationship rather than undermine it with suspicion.” (96) It is choosing love, when everything says otherwise. This inspires the other person to be their best self. If we always believe the best, they carry that with them. If we always believe the worst, it can end up leading them to believe that is who they are. It is, in a way, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That’s it. None of this comes naturally, they are all something we choose, something we cultivate, and according to Paul, they’re all non-negotiable when it comes to the love Christ calls us into. The question is, are we ready to put our childish view of love away and focus on becoming the person God calls us to be?

Want more? Check out A Reflection on “Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley (Part Five)

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A Reflection on “Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley (Part Three)

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to check out Part 1 and Part 2 first.

Chapter 4 looks at ‘becoming,’ and that doesn’t mean that this transforms into one of the many self-help books that Americans seem to love to read, talk about and then move on to the next book. It’s about becoming the you that you are meant to be, because that is a necessary element to a successful relationship. Why? “Truth is, your relationships will never be any healthier than you. Here’s why. And this is important. Relationships are never stronger than the weakest link…The stronger, more mature, more secure person in a relationship is always forced to make up for, defer to, or fill in the gaps created by the weaker person.” (57) I know, I know, this sounds uber harsh. But it’s also accurate. Think about the relationship problems you hear couples talk about. Is the issue really their relationship?

Let’s back this up a little. I think we all recognize that our lives are often richer, fuller, more joyful lives because of the relationships we have. And it doesn’t stop at the emotional, social and spiritual support that these relationships provide. It gets physical. God also gave us sex. Sex that feels really great. “If God created and gave us the capacity for satisfying relationships, it’s reasonable to assume God knows a thing or two about how to prepare for and operate one.” (59) This makes sense, right? Who knows how to operate something better than the designer, the creator, the originator of that thing? God actually teaches us this in the New Testament, and it lines up with what Andy Stanley writes about with regards to focusing on ‘you becoming’ versus ‘you finding.’ “…if you approach the New Testament asking, ‘How do I find the right person?’ the text is silent. But once you muster the courage to ask, ‘How do I become the right person?’ the text comes alive.” (61)

Ask yourself what happens to the ‘right person myth,’ after marriage. Does it dissipate? Or does it linger? Do people with that attitude, upon facing challenges and difficulties, end up questioning if they are with the ‘right person’ because things aren’t all good? It’s stunning how often we see people insistent on changing the person they are with. “‘If I could get my spouse to act right, everything would be all right.‘ Odd thing, these are the very couples who married assuming that they had met the right person to begin with. Turns out, the right person doesn’t always act right.” (62) This is another reason to focus on ‘becoming.’ If you are a person who just searches for the right person, your focus will always be on making them right, and not on yourself. Conversely, if you marry someone who believes in the right person myth, then any issues that arise would rest on the idea that you are not, in fact, the right person.

Depending on the circles you run in, there’s a lot of talk about love as a verb.  This means that rather than love being driven by feeling or chemistry, love is demonstrative action. This is found all over the New Testament, but not so often in our romantic comedies, which tell us that action is driven by the feeling of love. As an example from the New Testament, consider Matthew 5:44, where we are asked to love our enemies. Certainly if they are an enemy, you’re unlikely to find emotion to be a driver to act loving. Rather, we are being asked to demonstrate love for those who come against us! What this tells us is that relationships are built on choice rather than chemistry. “Great relationships are built on good decisions, not strong emotions. Again, falling in love is easy; it requires a pulse. Staying in love requires more. Specifically, embracing love as a verb.” (63) Remember, again, that this is not what society tells us. It says that you get what you give, it demands people to ‘get what they deserve,’ as long as you do your part I’ll probably do mine (unless something better comes along).

Where does this land us? Many of us (ahem) have experienced it firsthand: “The results are fragile relational contracts built on conditional agreements that leave both parties focused on the behavior of their partner…they are relationships built on ‘mutual distrust.'” (64) The end result of this is that each person expects the other person to carry the weight of the relationship and the expectations in it; failure to do so is a failure to meet the contractual requirements and confirmation that the other person is not, indeed, the right person. Disappointment, blame, and moving onto someone else become a continuous cycle for all parties. But then there’s this alternate path available to us:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34 “The Greek term translated new in our English Bibles connotes strange or remarkable.” (65) Something about what we’re being called to in love is remarkable from what love was before! We’re supposed to love like Christ did: sacrificially. What does this look like? Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Yeah, I know. Submitting. This can be a hot topic but I want you to hang with me here, okay? Let’s really understand what’s being said.

Paul is writing about what Andy Stanley calls mutual submission. “…Paul wasn’t calling for an unequivocal unilateral abandonment of personal independence. This is a one another thing…mutual submission doesn’t work unless it’s mutual. It only works when both parties work it.” (67) This is not the way the vast majority of people operate, and that’s why Paul points us back to our reverence for Christ. Why? Because we are meant to be inspired by Jesus’ example and use it as a model for our own relationships. Ephesians 5:22-5:25 says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord...Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The emphasis is added to highlight the mutual submission that is inherent in this verse. This is the kind of relationship we are called to, but it might all just sound a little too good, right?

“The alternative is to invite fear into future relationships… While your reservation is perfectly understandable, it’s entirely unnecessary and counterproductive. You were created for more than guarded relationships and ‘I will as long as you will’ love. Truth is, you hope that’s true, even if you’ve never seen it or experienced it.” (68) I John 4;18 says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” Don’t we want that? Aren’t we called to that?

At one point Andy Stanley was fundamentally asked if he believed that having a two-headed home (instead of the man being the head of the household) was like a two-headed monster; if he believed the man should basically be the head of the household. He replied:

“Before I answer your question, imagine you’re married to a man who genuinely believes you are the most fascinating person on the planet. He’s crazy about you. You have no doubt that your happiness is his top priority. He listens when you talk. He honors you in public. To use the old-fashioned term, he ‘cherishes’ you. He’s not afraid to make a decision. He values your opinions. He leads, but he listens. He’s responsible. He’s not argumentative. You have no doubt that he would give his life for you if the need arose. You never worry about him being unfaithful. In fact, to quote an old Flamingos’ song, he only has eyes for you… Would either of you have trouble following a man like that?” (70)

And if you read that, you’re answer was probably no, I wouldn’t. In fact, you probably said, “Where do I find that guy?” Why? Because that sounds like a really amazing guy, a man that is easy to follow because you are confident that they have your best interests at heart. You don’t have to fear it or fight it. “Stand-alone submission is dangerous. But mutual submission? That’s different. A relationship characterized by mutual submission is the best of all possible relationships. It is a relationship worth preparing for. It is a relationship worth waiting for.” (71)

I also thought, as I read Andy’s description, am I a person that ALWAYS listens when other people talk? Do I honor those I love in public and cherish them? Am I responsible and not argumentative? Faithful? I think that the answer to most of these are yes, but there are certainly ways I could grow in order to make these characteristics stronger and more frequently demonstrated. I believe that taking those steps will help me prepare for whatever it is I’m waiting for.

Want more? Check out A Reflection on “Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley (Part Four)

A Reflection on “Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley (Part Two)

First, if you haven’t read Part 1, I suggest you read that first. Chapter 2 is titled, “Commitment is Overrated,” which at first felt like a huge red flag.  How could commitment be overrated? Isn’t commitment a big part of what makes things work? “In the realm of relationships, unlike any other arena of life, we operate from the premise that a promise replaces the need for preparation. That a couple can promise, vow, or commit themselves into a successful future.” (p. 36) This sounds like a pretty ludicrous idea when it’s framed this way by society does this and we have that expectation all the time. It’s like in the episode of Friends when Joey finds out about his father’s infidelity and is fearful that he’ll struggle with fidelity when he’s married.  Chandler reassures him that when he finds the right woman, that won’t be an issue.  But do we really believe that? How often do we see this scenario playing out well? Like Andy Stanley says, “Coaches know that you don’t promise to win games; you prepare to win… Very few people prepare. Most people are content to commit.” (36) He points out that this belief makes people accountable without making them capable, and the end result is misery.

Proverbs 14:15 “The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.” In the context of this book, it’s understanding the value of prudence: that what we choose to do today will impact our tomorrow. You can see the trajectory of many things if you learn to start looking at what has happened in the past. It’s not saying that people don’t change but it is acknowledging that change is a process, and it is recognizable. “Discount the promises but pay attention to the dots, the patterns. Again, the paths people choose trump the commitments they make…The past is a better indicator than a promise.” (40) This might SOUND unforgiving or lacking in grace but it isn’t. It doesn’t DENY that people can change (some of us call that repentance), but what it says it that you know what people are about when you look at what they do.

Consider this when you date someone who has a questionable record relationally, financially, morally, etc. but are promising that things are going to be different in the future. For yourself, recall the biggest, most positive change that you’ve made in your life. Really think about what it took to make that change and identify what the greatest contributor to that positive change was. “…in the end, wasn’t it your decision to act, to engage, to move forward, to move out, that brought about the change you celebrate? …You shook something off. You moved on with your life. You chose a way forward. Others may have cheered you on. But the change came about because of something you did for you.” (42) Now think about your greatest regret that YOU had influence over (not something that happened to you, something that was the result of a decision or decisions that you made). What was the biggest contributor to that regret? “Chances are someone else was involved. Perhaps a group of people. People you liked. People you trusted… You believed that moving in his or her direction would make your life better, richer. But in the end, it wasn’t so.” (41) What does this tell us?

We change when we make the choice to, and if you’re dating someone who leans on others instead of being self-driven, as hard as it might be, that’s where you need to give them the time and space to change. “…no one depends his or her way to change. Change requires fierce in-dependence that should eventually lead to inter-dependence with other healthy people.” (43) If they aren’t there, they won’t get there by you or anyone else being a crutch. Those are people who are not being prudent, who are behaving (according to Proverbs 14:15) as if they are simple. They aren’t thinking about their steps. Maybe you’re one of these people. Life seems to “happen” to you a lot, you don’t necessarily consider the consequences, your yes isn’t your yes. “Commit now to preparing to keep your commitments later. That’s the goal, what you should focus on. If you do, when you say ‘I do,’ you’ll be prepared to follow-through.” (46)

Chapter 3, titled “Becoming the Right Person,” is summed up in this: “Become the right person. Becoming the right person is how you prepare to commit. Becoming the right person dramatically increases your odds of sustained relational success when you finally meet the right person.” (47) My brain didn’t explode the first time I read this a while back, but it may as well have with how eye-opening it was for me. We’ve already established that the right person doesn’t make everything great and that committing without preparing is pretty much guaranteed failure. This calls for some serious introspection, some honest evaluation, to make you ask yourself if you would be attractive to the type of person you’re trying to attract.

“If you are as intentional about becoming the right person as you are about meeting the right person, you will position yourself to bypass a boatload of unnecessary pain, regret and wasted time.” (47-48) This makes complete sense, doesn’t it? But we never really think about it. It’s not the plot of most romantic comedies, because the idea doesn’t come off as funny or particularly romantic on paper. But to me, I find the idea that a man began preparing for marriage before he even met me deeply attractive, and I think that kind of guy might want the same thing from me.

We have to ask the hard questions: “Are you the person the person you’re looking for is looking for? If not…are you willing to begin the process of becoming the person the person you’re looking for is looking for? If you made a list of what you are looking for in someone (which isn’t a bad idea), would that person be looking for someone like you? If the other person’s list matched your list, how would you measure up?” (50) I suggest you read through that paragraph a couple times. Maybe take a break and make a list of what you are looking for and what you bring to the table (both good and bad). Be really honest. This isn’t about shame, guilt or tearing you down. It’s about honest evaluation and being Proverbs prudent: where are you, where do you want to go, what steps are needed to get there? And do we see a hypocrisy in wanting in others what you refuse to develop in yourself? “Bottom line: it’s not enough to look; you must become. You must become intentional about becoming the person the person you’re looking for is looking for.” (51)

You might be feeling like nobody does this, or almost nobody. So why should you? But that reasoning doesn’t really take us anywhere, and the argument made in our becoming is a worthwhile one.  What do we lose in this preparation other than becoming the person we want to be? Plus, as Andy Stanley writes, “If you commit to prepare before your promise, it will dramatically increase your chances of crossing paths with someone who is preparing as well. Why? Because preparing for anything sensitizes you to people who share your passion and direction.” (51) It makes it more likely for you both to not only recognize one another, but to engage with each other over a shared passion.

Think about when you get a new (or new to you) car. You begin to notice the number of times you see someone else with your car on the highway or in a parking lot. Or what about you find a TV show that you then binge-watch on Netflix; don’t you become more aware of the number of fans and references made to that show? “Don’t ever forget: We see what we’re looking for. We see whom we’re looking for as well.” (52) In the book he uses the example of Jenny and Shane meeting through online dating.  Shane, because of his age and success, was a bit of a commodity online. He attracted a lot of women, but they weren’t the kind of women he was looking for. He updated his profile to be more reflective of his morals and values which caught Jenny’s attention but wasn’t enough to hook her. It wasn’t until he spelled out these things in his profile (which he thought would seal his online-dating fate) that Jenny decided to take a chance on him. “Funny thing about Jenny and Shane, they really don’t have much in common on paper. Their common ground, as is so often the case with successful relationships, was more directional than recreational… Their common direction quickly blossomed into mutual affection.” (54-55)

So if you’re spending a lot of time looking, but not a lot of time finding, it’s certainly worthwhile to investigate why. In the story of Denise (not shared here), it was that she wasn’t the person the guy she wanted would want when she shifted from her faith to a life of partying and hooking up. In the story of Shane, it was a matter of clarifying what mattered to him and what direction he was heading. “Someone who is merely looking for the right person usually winds up with someone merely looking for the right person. But people committed to becoming the right people are usually attracted to and notice individuals who are the same.” (55) This leaves us with asking ourselves where we want to end up (and with whom), and determine what steps it will take to arrive there.

Want more? Continue to A Reflection on “Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley (Part Three)

Philippians 2:5-11 Exegesis

Text: Philippians 2:5-11 (NIV)

  1. “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:” (2:5)
  2. Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;” (2:6)
  3. “rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.” (2:7)
  4. “And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death even death on a cross! (2:8)
  5. “Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,” (2:9)
  6. “that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,” (2:10)
  7. “and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (2:11)

Theme/Paragraph Analysis

Paul’s entire purpose within this passage is to instruct the community on cruciform love; on how to relate to one another using Christ’s life as a framework for our life so we can begin to understand what cruciform love looks like in our day to day lives.

  1. In your relationships with one another, recognize Jesus in each other and be a reflection of Christ.
  2. Jesus, being God, considering his equality to God not something to be exploited for himself.
  3. Despite his divine glory and equality, Jesus made nothing of himself by being made in human likeness to serve man.
  4. Thus being man, he lived a lifetime of humility culminating in obedience to death on the cross. (2:8)
  5. God responded to Jesus’ super abasement by raising Jesus up and giving him the highest of high places and the highest of names. (2:9)
  6. That, at his name, all of the universe would bow in adoration. (2:10)
  7. And everyone will worship Jesus Christ as Lord because of his sacrificial love, which brings glory to God, his Father. (2:11)

 

 

Historical Analysis

Although it may not be historical, in reading the New Testament it would be difficult not to see that the book of Philippians is a letter of love, thanksgiving, hope and friendship. It was written to those in Philippi which was named for Alexander the Great’s father, Philip of Macedon, when Augustus re-founded the city as a Roman colony under his own patronage in 31 B.C.[1] Because it was an emperor’s city, there was a greater emphasis on Rome adulation, local deities and the cult of the emperor. “There is no evidence of a Jewish synagogue, though there appears to have been a very small Jewish community (cf. Acts 16:13, 16).”[2] The city itself was neither large nor small but was ideally located for trade via land and sea.

“Paul’s letter confirm that he experienced suffering in Philippi (1:29-30; Thess. 2:1-2) and that women played an important role in the church (Phil. 4:2-3).”[3] Acts reports that Lydia was his first convert in Philippi and reports her baptism as well as her home serving as a house church. As for suffering, this was something the Philippians also shared with Paul because it was perceived that the gospel being shared was un-Roman and targeted Gentiles.[4] This lead to ongoing targeting of followers. “Yet the Philippian believers were both generous and joyful in their affliction (2 Cor. 8:2).”[5] Paul wrote this letter while imprisoned, which means that there is a good possibility that the Philippians were as much of an encouragement to Paul as he meant to be to them.

Some focus on the possibility that this may be a “unified” letter; that is, the combination of several letters into one. Others have explored whether the nature of the relationship between Paul and the Philippians was more friendship or perhaps patron-client. When read in its entirety though, one thing becomes clear: “For the letter to the Philippians, while perhaps occasioned by the need to give thanks for a gift, is focused much more on the need for those who are in Christ to live a cruciform life in the face of internal and external challenges to the gospel.”[6] Rooted in Christ’s story, Paul speaks from his suffering to the heart of another suffering people with great encouragement.

Verse Analysis

1. Paul starts his instruction in Philippians 2:5 (NIV) “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:”[7] Thus, in the first part of the sentence he makes it clear that the verses following this are regarding how the Philippians should relate to one another.   The second part of the sentence requires a little bit more in-depth analysis; it experiences a variety of translations in Bibles due to its own lack of clarity. “Lit., “have this attitude among you which was also in Christ Jesus,” The second en with the dative is understood as an equivalent of the simple dative (expressing possession…) But it is also possible to render the verse, “Have for one another that attitude which you also have in Christ Jesus.”[8] If it is the first interpretation, we are meant to understand that the Philippians should possess the attitude of Christ; in the second interpretation it is more of a union between Christ and the Philippians. It is less about the individual mimicking Christ and more about the transformation of the Christian community within Philippi itself.

In order to gain a little bit more perspective, we can take the broader Pauline theology into consideration by looking at II Corinthians 5:16-17 (NAB) “Consequently, from now on we regard no one according to the flesh; even if we once knew Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know him so no longer. So whoever is in Christ is a new creation; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.”[9] It is clear in this verse that Paul believes that whoever is in Christ is transformed; not merely imitating Christ but becoming like Jesus. “Thus we may paraphrase: Think among yourselves what you think in Christ-i.e. think of each other the way you think about Christ; regard each other from the same perspective.”[10] I am inclined to think what Paul saw as the implications of his sentence are that by being in Christ Jesus you are dying to the old ways; you would see others and treat them the way Jesus would have seen them and treated them.

2. The following verses were most likely answering a question that Paul foresaw: What does that look like? So he reminds them by using a hymn, and the first half “begins with God and descends to the low point, death. Each of its 3 active verbs focuses on a moment in the deathward movement toward obedience.”[11] Before we examine the trajectory of the first half of the verses, the really extraordinary thing we need to appreciate is specifically what Paul is saying in the first part of the sentence of Philippians 2:6 (NIV) Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;”[12] namely Christ’s pre-existence.

“Philippians 2 is the earliest passage in the Pauline literature to raise in our minds the serious questions about the pre-existence of Christ. Already Paul has made statements implying a change in status on Christ’s part, notably in 2 Cor 8:9, where Christ, who was rich, became poor for our sake-this is the language of incarnation. Now we find Christ, who was in the form of God, emptying himself taking the form of a slave, and becoming man…”[13] This is tremendously powerful. Jesus wasn’t formed first as a man with God qualities but rather was a being whose very nature is God and equal to God. This was written by a monotheistic Jew who believed Jesus Christ was the Messiah and was passionate about the Holy Spirit. In fact, the translation “…of divine status: Lit., “originally being in the form of God; having as a possession the form of God.”[14] Morphe theou, or “form of God” was, according to Fitzmyer, meant to express the external appearance of Jesus; his body. This is a radical and countercultural idea for the monotheistic Jewish people who were without a Trinitarian theology.

Understanding that Jesus resided in such a form, Paul wanted to make it clear that his divine status wasn’t something that Jesus clung to or literally, “considered it not a thing-to-be-clutched[-at].” The word harpagmos is rare…it has been understood actively as an “act of plundering” (Vg rapina)…”[15] The intention of juxtaposing this word with Jesus’ divinity is most likely because of how such authority and power would have been viewed by people, particularly in that time. Kings would set themselves apart and shore up their authority, which would be passed down often only through their own lineage. It was, indeed, something to treat as “miser’s booty” if you were of this world. But Jesus was not and Paul wants to remind us that we are, again, to recognize Jesus in one another and be a reflection of him.

3. We begin the descent with Philippians 2:7 (NIV) “rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.”[16] Jesus, having the form of God, made himself nothing. Here we have radical transformation occurring. “The heart of the matter is the change of roles from divine authority to slave status, from the highest thinkable role to the lowest known.”[17] Keck points out that this is a metaphorical divesting and not a metaphysical divestment of Jesus’ divinity; it is a status change rather than a change of essence. Fitzmyer clarifies exactly what Jesus divests himself of: “Jesus, in becoming man, divested himself of the privilege of divine glory; he did not empty himself of divinity, but of the status of glory to which he had a right…”[18] Instead of being served, as he had every right to be, Jesus chose to become a servant (or slave) to all. Furthermore, he was like all men; although he performed miracles there was nothing extraordinary about his body; he grew up like all boys, learned and acquired skills, bled and died like any other man. His external shape, as he appeared to men in the days of his flesh (Heb 5:7), was that of a man.”[19]

     4. “And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death even death on a cross! Philippians 2:8 (NIV) [20] This is the second level on the descent of Jesus. “In the self-humbling we should see the sweep of Jesus’ life as a whole, not particular incidents in it. It is not clear who is being obeyed here-the cosmic powers or God. Perhaps it is enough to say that he acted as one who was obedient rather than as one who called for obedience…”[21] The entire life of Jesus’ is one of humility. Fitzmyer proposes that it is his devotion to the Father that leads to his heroism; I propose that Jesus’ devotion and humility are born out of faithful love for a people who most often showed faithless love to him in return.

When in the Mount of Olives before his death, it says in Luke 22:42-43 (NAB) that Jesus prays, “saying ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done.’ [And to strengthen him an angel from heaven appeared to him.”[22] Before this moment, Jesus laments for his people in Luke 19:41 (NAB) “As he drew near, he saw the city and wept over it,”[23] Jesus actually wept over the fate of the city of Jerusalem. These actions seem to speak of the deep and abiding love that God has for his people and the covenantal relationship maintained with us, whether he walks as a man or not. Furthermore, asking for the cup to be taken from him doesn’t mean he wishes to deny the opportunity of salvation to his people. No, Jesus’ humility is most manifested in the moment when he is obedient to actual death; allowing himself to be reaped as a sacrifice for many.

5. Having been humbled as deeply as one can go, surrendering even to death, how does the Father respond to the Son? Paul writes in Philippians 2:9 (NIV) “Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,”[24] The literal translation for what God did is actually superexalted, and according to Fitzmyer, “The hymn refers to the ascension of Christ (cf. Eph 4:10). It is “Johannine” in its immediate passage from the cross to exaltation and un-Pauline in its passing over the resurrection. The Father has exalted Christ to a status that contrasts superabundantly with his condition of abasement.”[25] Just as we saw that the hymn was all-inclusive of the humbling life of Jesus, I do not believe it skips over the resurrection as much as it assumes it is part of the trajectory from death to the highest place where Jesus is given the name above all names. It is a necessary component. Lastly, his given “…name is Kyrios, which appears at the end of the hymn; this LXX equivalent of Adonai (my Lord) was used for the ineffable tetragrammaton YHWH. It is the name that surpasses all celestial beings.”[26]

6. Paul goes on in Philippians 2:10 (NIV) to say, “that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,”[27] making this an experience not just for earth but for all the universe. “…In an act of religious devotion. The hymn alludes to Is 45:23 and transfers to the new Kyrios the adoration given there to Yahweh. It is a universal and cosmic adoration paid to a sovereign.”[28] For what reason does all of creation bow to him? We read in Is 45:22-25 (NAB), “Turn to me and be safe, all you ends of the earth, for I am God; there is no other! By myself I swear, uttering my just degree and my unalterable word: To me every knee shall bend; by me every tongue shall swear, Saying, “Only in the Lord are just deeds and power. Before him in shame shall come all who vent their anger against him. In the Lord shall be the vindication and the glory of all the descendants of Israel.”[29] Thus through his statement, Paul alludes to the fact that Jesus fulfills the words spoken by God in Isaiah; words that are unalterable and true.

7. Paul finishes the sentence in Philippians 2:11 (NIV) by proclaiming: “and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,to the glory of God the Father.”[30] Where the first half emphasized Jesus’ life of humility (or downward trajectory of humiliation), the second half of the hymn was used by Paul to show the reversal of that trajectory. “God highly exalted him (NEB “raised him to the heights”) and bestowed on him the name above all names. These 2 verbs are 2 aspects of the same act. The self-humbling is answered by the exaltation by God, and the role of slave is answered by the role of master. The name is Lord (lit. “master”)… The entire cosmic power structure under whose authority Christ humbled himself now confesses he is Lord.”[31] Although it is as Keck describes, that Christ is now exalted by God and confessed as Lord, it is not a rivalry to the Father.

In fact, as it is described by Fitzmyer, “his voluntary abasement and the acknowledgement paid to him by creation in his rewarded status bring honor to the Father… This essential profession of early Christian faith in Jesus forms the climax of the hymn.”[32] The actual passion that lies within the story of Jesus’ life of humility, his sacrifice and the glory he brings to the Father when he is hyperexalted might distract from the original intention of the verses: to instruct the community on their interactions with one another. In the simplest way, Paul encourages them to be a community built on a foundation of cruciform love; in all their relationships to be so deeply rooted in Christ and have Christ so deeply rooted in them that their life reflects the life of Jesus to others. Not just in principles or teachings but in the shape of our daily life.

 

Works Cited

“Philippians 2 NIV.” Bible Reference. Bible Gateway, n.d. Retrieved August 19, 2016, from https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+2&version=NIV.

Fitzmyer, Joseph A., S.J. “The Letter to the Philippians.” The Jerome Biblical Commentary. Vol. 2. Englewood Cliffs: Prentice-Hall, 1968. 247-53. Print.

Gorman, M. J. (2004). Apostle of the Crucified Lord: A Theological Introduction to Paul & His Letters. United States of America: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company. Print.

Hooker, Morna D. “The Letter to the Philippians.” The New Interpreter’s Bible: A Commentary in Twelve Volumes. Nashville: Abingdon, 1994. 467-550. Print.

Keck, Leander E. “The Letter of Paul to the Philippians.” Ed. Charles M. Laymon. The Interpreters One-Volume Commentary on the Bible. Nashville: Abingdon, 1971. 845-55. Print.

St. Mary’s Press: College Study Bible (NAB). (2007). Winona, MN: Christian Brothers Publications. Wright, N. T. (1994).

 

[1] Gorman, M. J. (2004). Apostle of the Crucified Lord: A Theological Introduction to Paul & His Letters. Pg. 413

[2] Gorman, 414

[3] Gorman, 415

[4] Gorman, 417

[5] Gorman, 417

[6] Gorman, 418

[7] “Philippians 2 NIV.” n.d. Bible Reference. Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+2&version=NIV.

[8] Fitzmyer, Joseph A., S.J. “The Letter to the Philippians.” The Jerome Biblical Commentary. Vol. 2. 1968. Pg. 250.

[9] St. Mary’s Press: College Study Bible (NAB). (2007). Winona, MN: Christian Brothers Publications. Pg. 1755

[10] Keck, Leander E. “The Letter of Paul to the Philippians.” The Interpreters One-Volume Commentary on the Bible. 1971. Pg. 850.

[11] Keck, 850.

[12] “Philippians 2 NIV.” n.d. Bible Reference. Bible Gateway

[13] Hooker, Morna D. “The Letter to the Philippians.” The New Interpreter’s Bible: A Commentary in Twelve Volumes. 1994. Pg. 502.

[14] Fitzmyer, 250.

[15] Fitzmyer, 250-1.

[16] “Philippians 2 NIV.” n.d. Bible Reference. Bible Gateway

[17] Keck, 850

[18] Fitzmyer, 251

[19] Fitzmyer, 251

[20] “Philippians 2 NIV.” n.d. Bible Reference. Bible Gateway

[21] Keck, 850

[22] St. Mary’s Press: College Study Bible (NAB). (2007). Pg. 1571.

[23] St. Mary’s Press: College Study Bible (NAB). (2007). Pg. 1566.

[24] “Philippians 2 NIV.” n.d. Bible Reference. Bible Gateway

[25] Fitzmyer, 251

[26] Fitzmyer, 251

[27]“Philippians 2 NIV.” n.d. Bible Reference. Bible Gateway

[28] Fitzmyer, 251

[29] St. Mary’s Press: College Study Bible (NAB). (2007). Pg. 1082-3,

[30] “Philippians 2 NIV.” n.d. Bible Reference. Bible Gateway

[31] Keck, 851

[32] Fitzmyer, 251

The Dating Game and God

I had been through some challenging things in my previous relationships and so I had taken some time off to heal, and I was also trusting God in the space of dating. I’d never dated in the Christian world. For me dating in my early 20’s involved parties with (sometimes) too much alcohol, friendships with blurred lines, drama, etc. So the IDEA of dating a man who was after God’s heart sounded fantastic.

I focused on God, healing and continuing to try to grow more into the kind of woman God calls us to be. At first I found this confusing but I think the Bible speaks pretty clearly into this and a lot of it actually comes fairly naturally as you enter into relationship (thinking of biblical examples and also Proverbs 31). So I just chased after those things and figured the guys would eventually come. That’s how it used to work. I’ve never really had a problem getting into relationships before.

But they didn’t. That is to say, the Christian guys didn’t show up. 30+ months and not a single Christian guy was interested in me. I have gone on two prayer retreats regarding husbands the last two years, and I felt like the first was more about getting myself aligned with God and where he was calling me, preparing me if you will. But this second one felt full of promise and hope. And maybe I’m expecting too much too soon.

Then there’s this guy. He’s not like most guys I’ve experienced in that I… I can’t say exactly HOW I feel for him but I know I deeply value his thoughts on things and find much to admire and not much with which to find fault. I never considered dating him but people started mentioning his name to me as someone I should consider… I shut them down but as I examined the list of attributes I had discerned from the prayer retreat, he seems to possess most of them. Rather than being helpful I find this even more confusing in that now I realize these traits rest in individuals to whom I remain mostly unnoticed.

Then there’s the guy I met when, out of frustration, I went online. My profile was super God heavy and filtering through the weirdness I get even with that, there’s this guy that matches up in all the worldly ways. He can say some of the church stuff, he says he’s cool with sex waiting until marriage and thinks the fact that I’m selling my house and downsizing to take a lower paying job to better serve the community is cool (even though money is super important to him). But… he didn’t know what a tithe was and it doesn’t appear he goes to church or has any spiritual community. He’s open to the idea of kids but afraid because he doesn’t want to be locked into anything.

So one guy is interested and the other I’m… not a blip on the radar. All the ladies know what I’m talking about, right? But then again, how many times have I been here… entering into relationships that are less that what I need because I think that maybe they’ll get there? But then I ask, who do I think I am? Aren’t I being too picky? I want to have the faith. So I pray. I ask for God to convict hearts or give me a dream, a vision, send a message or a sign. Lead me, Father.

The next day my roommate, who doesn’t know about this saga I’ve created, comes home after traveling for work all week with a bouquet of flowers for me (because she’s a beautiful person) with a verse that came to her for me:

“If God clothes the grass of the field in splendor, will he not much more clothe you? He knows your needs.” Matthew 6:30

And in my heart, I feel myself wanting to be less like Sara who doubted that in her old age God would give her a child (I’m not that old, I’m relating to the doubt, not the age). He knows my needs. I can trust Him. And as soon as the doubt creeps in I will repent, and if I struggle with disbelief I will pray that God help me with my disbelief. God knows my needs, and I want my family to serve Him.

Nonviolent Jesus: Humility, Simplicity, and Charity

Jesus often modeled humility, not elevating himself or speaking only of his rank and status. Rather, he did the exact opposite. In Luke 22:27, he teaches “For who is greater, the one who reclines at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at the table? But I am among you as the one who serves.” Here he shows the position he has chosen to take in obedience to his Father, and it is a humble one. He emphasized this point over and over again, although one of the most poignant moments is described in John 13:5, “Then He poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded.”

It was not only in how he served that he was humble, but also the company he kept. Many expected the Messiah to be the kind of Warrior King they would recognize, a ruler that kept company with other rulers, great leaders and warriors. The Pharisees expected cleanliness which meant not interacting with those who were considered unclean; but that was not Jesus’ way. In Matthew 9:10-11, we see that “… as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, “Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?” He proved through word and action that he was going to take a role in the world that was ‘from below.’

He also modeled simplicity. Luke 9:58 tells us, “And Jesus said to him, “The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.” He was not caught up in belongings, in building a house that kept him in one place. He instead kept his possessions few and traveled to spread his gospel. This was an expectation he had not only for himself but for his followers when he sent them out to preach the Word and rely on those along the way to care for them.

But his simplicity is not just in His belongings but in His teachings. He taught in a way that invited the new person in but gave depth and greater relationship to the believer. Jesus was both high invitation and high challenge, but he kept much of what he said simple. When asked what commandment was most important, his response was both simple and the foundation of his actions. Matthew 22:37-39: “Jesus answered: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like this one. And it is, “Love others as much as you love yourself.”

Lastly, Jesus constantly modeled charity. I often feel like, when reading the Bible, Jesus taught more on charity and love than any other aspect. I wonder if this is because if we do these things we cannot help but have our hearts changed by it and come more in alignment with God. Perhaps this is why Jesus says in Matthew 25:35, “’For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in.” 1 John 3:17 asks, “But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? “ This is the question that Jesus constantly tries to get people to ask themselves. Jesus is charitable through his works, his time, his healing and ultimately through his sacrifice. Jesus is all things charitable.

By looking at the parables and examples that Jesus himself provides, we begin to see a type of leader form; a servant leader. By emulating him and these virtues, I would argue that if applied as Jesus meant them to be, ordinary humans would unintentionally become nonviolent. This is because you cannot apply all the things He called us to do and simultaneously behave in a violent nature. They are at two ends of a spectrum. Jesus was at his core nonviolent; he allowed himself to be sacrificed for others. That being said, it is best to pay attention to any violent inclination or tendencies to condone violence so we can understand why and address the discrepancy.