The pain of a broken heart who can mend, and who would want it mended when suffering is solace?
I can think of no other injury to the spirit which manifests itself so fully in the physical than this. That we sense a mortal wounding and declare our death, sure that life and joy have slipped through our fingers like sand too fine to grasp.
This heart is a healthy muscle, doctors proclaim, to our silent astonishment. Yet inside our chest a pain clenches and crumbles, gnaws and weeps, mourns and bargains until our stomach is a pit where our heart lies… impossibly small and mangled at the bottom.
This price we gladly pay, do we not? We all know the cost of love going in, and love I will gratefully mourn. We do not lament the loss of the worthless, the meaningless, the unloved. And so it is in my lament I know the depth of my happiness and discover it once more, for in it I learn that I have loved exceedingly well.
You question if you could be loved without seeing the love you are surrounded by. There have been people every step of the way loving you; there has been challenge, support, generosity, encouragement, comfort and presence.
Your fear isolated you. That your past is too much, that you will be known, that if you let people in they’ll see you the way you see you: as not enough.
My beloved, fear not. I am with you always and I provide exactly what is needed. I know all of you and I love you more deeply and profoundly than you know. I know this is hard for you, that familiar chains that weigh you down can be difficult to cast off. But it is all for good.
I am with you through the tears and pain. I am emptying you of things that aren’t of me: rejection, bitterness and their companions. You are meant to be filled with my Spirit and know the fruit of its freedom.
Imagine the love you feel which cannot be broken or lessened, which is unconditional. This is a taste of how you are loved by me.
I am not a lukewarm love
Found in riddles or sideways glances.
No games will I play with a heart
So treasured as yours.
There are no butterflies in my stomach
because there is no question mark in my heart.
I am a declaration as I weave my fingers through yours
and lay my head on your shoulder.
I fall asleep to the sound of your voice
Telling me stories I’ve heard before
My body arched around yours
our breathing synced.
Our lives together are full
full of God and joy, laughter and fun
and yes… pain and tears
A lifetime full of firsts and lasts.
Until it’s just me
Saying my last goodbye to you.
And there’s no more stories at night.
Just quiet and the memories of a love that was never lukewarm
to keep my heart warm at night.
I’m pouring this liquid into a cracked vessel and because of this, I can’t fully rest. I have to keep pouring into it as it spills out the cracks, weakening it. In between, I’m trying to patch the cracks.
Then this presence said, ”Don’t you know I make all things new?”