An Honest Prayer

Oh Lord, my God, why do I struggle so soon? I knew such peace in the days leading into this. I do not doubt your provision, but I doubt your purpose for me. I cannot see a path forward. I pray, I read, I seek.

I hear you in these words. I know what you call me to but I don’t know what to do with them. I read Paul Kalanithi’s words and I feel every part of me respond: “The call to protect life-and not merely life but another’s identity; it is perhaps not too much to say another’s soul-was obvious in its sacredness.”

I read and write about Christ and our call to cruciform love that is evident from Genesis to Revelations and I feel your pull. I’m listening, Abba. I rarely read books by Christian authors outside school but a family member recommended it in Texas and so, as I began my own launch into joblessness, I came across the words in The Hole in the Gospel: “Though painful, my period of unemployment was one of the richest spiritual times of my life.” And I’m a little afraid to hear you, but the words stood out.

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” This quote from Frederick Buechner hit me in the gut. But my God, my Father… I am lost. How do I put my passion for you on a resume? How do I say, my Father called and so I came… in a cover letter?

I am at a loss, Lord. And so do I just wait? I’m such a silly child, I know. Only  a few days and I’m impatient, and yet Moses wandered the desert for decades. Patience. Trust. I wonder if he often heard from you… Or if it was only in the beginning, and then he just had to remind himself over and over, “I will not doubt, the Lord is with me…”

Father, I know that it is in this struggle that I grow in my depth of faith but where you can, root the Spirit and give me peace; provide me this comfort. Lord, give me a vision for what you want from me so I may serve you truly and faithfully. Continue to use my life as a testimony to your love and power. Amen.